Molly - Malaise
It hit me the other day that I haven't felt great since about mid November. That's not shocking, because a wonderful cousin of mine passed away. She was only 37, an incredible mother of 4, and I had the honor of being close friends with most of my first cousins growing up so it's reverberated quite badly through the family. Much less bad: being sick on and off, including the flu. The difference between me and Mr. Hyde is running so anything that nerfs my exercise routine is a shortcut to depression. This is a very new experience for me as I have spent most of my life getting sick almost exclusively through my own self destruction and by no failing of my immune system. Humbling!
It's not just about beauty or fitness but a general ill-fittingness. My soul is clanking around in my body and it's hard to feel empowered in anything if you can't seem to grasp the reins. Being a mother has made it easier - or at least necessary - to not let my life fall apart too much because I still have to get dinner on the table every night, and my son still wakes up every morning happy and ready to treat the day as a clean slate. I think I owe it to him to meet him on his terms.
It's also the beginning of Lent today. I'm ambivalent about how to treat this because I actually am in the process of converting to Catholicism but it's stalled for the moment (I'm not even in RCIA yet). How does fasting feel different from always thinking it would be good to restrict eating if I can't fully participate in this religion? Is it just a sad shadow to do Ash Wednesday as an outsider? Trying to be Catholic has a lot in common with being a Japanese speaking foreigner in Japan, lol. Maybe I should give up peanut butter.
Something good: I have an appointment with the eye doctor today so I can get new glasses and maybe I will stop complaining about eye soreness all the time.